Friday, May 21, 2010


Falling in love and being in a relationship can be an extremely wonderful feeling and experience in your life. The risk of giving your heart to someone comes with a price however, which is the possibility of having it broken by that person. When you breakup with someone you love or care deeply about, it can be one of the most horrible experiences in your life. You may feel like your world has come to an end; like your life has no meaning and there is no reason to move on. You begin to question the relationship you had with that person and analyse every memory you both had together to see where it went wrong, where you went wrong. You begin hating yourself and doubting your abilities as a partner and whether you were good enough. You can also become paranoid and start to create notions that the cause of the breakup was because of some other girl.

Whatever the case may be, when you breakup with someone that you truly loved or cared about, irrespective of the reasons, there is no erase and move on button in life and you have to actually deal with the reality of the situation, deal with the pain and try and find a way to move on.

Here are 9 effective steps which will assist you in letting go and moving on with your life:

Step One:

Don’t bottle up your emotions.

You may be a tough cookie but its ok to allow yourself to cry. I am not suggesting that you have a girl’s night out with your girlfriends and begin a crying fest. You will know when and to whom you can open up to. Crying is really the first step in the healing process.

Step Two:

Don’t blame yourself.

Whatever the reason for the breakup, you need to realise that it has happened. There is no turning back. Whether you choose to analyse everything and begin to think and say things like: “I should have done this more, or I should have done that better”, it is too late. The fact of the matter is that how you both felt for each other and the love you shared with each other was not strong enough to weather the storm of the rough patches.

Now ask yourself whether you would want to be with someone who would give up so easily on the relationship in such trying times. Relationships and life are full of up hills and down hills. Do you really want to be with someone who gives up so easily and says game over when they find a few pebbles on the road, or do you want to be with someone who will stand by you and be up for the challenge of climbing those hills side by side?

Step Three:

Remember that you are not alone.

As much as you may hate the world, know that there are people in it who do love you and care for you and its times like these that you really need to have family and friends there to support you. Don’t underestimate human compassion and don’t be afraid to speak to someone you can trust for support. They may just surprise you with the lengths they will go to, to help you through this rough patch.

Step Four:

Avoid the stalking.

You know what I am talking about! If you are friends on facebook chances are that you have checked his status update twice already, while reading this! Are you viewing his profile every hour to see whether he has made new friends? Are you secretly viewing the friends profiles, and checking them out? If you are, stop right there because firstly it is unhealthy for you, and secondly it is downright creepy! Yes, creepy and you my friend are a stalker. You need to stop! The best thing that you can do right now is to delete your ex from you list of friends. If there are other social networks that both of you are linked to, delete them from it as well and this includes deleting their family members and close friends.

Step Five:

Resist the urge to call him.

Ok, so you have deleted him from facebook, but you still have his number on your phone. Deleting the number may not be so simple though. You may have the number memorized and you may be twisting your arms and you have your knees bent backwards just to prevent yourself from calling him. You write down on a piece of paper or you recite in your head all the things you want to tell him and you have this fantasy that when you make that call and give that speech, he is going to come running back into your arms. Right?

Stop right there. Whatever the reason for the break up was, you cannot torture yourself. Whenever you have the urge to call him, call a friend or family member instead. Don’t give in.

Step Six:

Do not answer his calls.

So you are making progress in moving on. You haven’t slipped up and called him in the middle of the night. You have resisted the urge to call him while out with friends and after you have had a few tequilas etc. You have stopped checking your phone a million times a day to see whether your ex sent you a message and you have stopped hoping beyond hope that he will call you, realizing that you are the best thing that could have happened to them since twitter and beg you to take them back.

But then it happens when you least expect it. You receive an incoming call or text message and it is him! In that instant your heart does a back flip, you palms get sweaty, all the feelings flood back and you feel like you are in square one all over again.

The fact of the matter is that whether he broke up with you or vice versa, when there is a break up, there are always feelings left over and there may never be complete closure for some. Your ex may also be tempted to call you, mostly out of curiosity and because they want to see how you are keeping, maybe because they miss you but honestly do not have any intention of getting back with you.

As much as it would be great to keep in contact with your ex and have them in your life as a friend, if you are still hung up on them emotionally, by you keeping them in your life and answering their calls etc, you are not allowing yourself to let go and move on.

Step Seven:

Get rid of all things that remind you of him/her.

After a break up, you will find that the person you loved will have walked out of your life, but unfortunately all the accumulated gifts, clothes and momentos that celebrated and symbolized the love that you shared with one another has been left behind to haunt you. These things which seemed trivial and had gone unnoticed for so long now seem to pop up everywhere like an annoying zit, teasing and torturing you. It could be anything from a t-shirt, jewelery or a picture frame to a scent of a shampoo or song you both loved dancing to.

Do yourself a huge favour and take all of these things, place it in a box and have it delivered to your ex. If not, store it away under lock and key so that you can resist the urge to go through these things and reminisce. This will help you in being able to move on quickly.

Step Eight:

Make a list of all the negative things about your ex.

Yes, take out that pen and paper and start jotting down a list of all the negative things about your ex that comes to mind. You will be surprised at how many things which seemed cute while you were together, is actually quite annoying when you look back and think about it. Put all your thoughts about the break up down on paper. Everything that you wanted to tell him, how this has affected you emotionally, physically etc.

Once you have done this, you will feel much lighter, like a weight has been lifted from your heart. It works, try it – and don’t forget to throw that list away. Rip it up, burn it…just get rid of it.

Step Nine:

Start a hobby or join a different circle of friends.

If you have been in a long term relationship, you will find yourself feeling very lost and incomplete. You did everything with your ex and now all those things that seemed fun and exciting now appear mundane and boring. You were so dependant (unconsciously) on doing activities with your ex that you now feel incapable of doing the same things alone, it feels like you have lost an arm or a leg and you can’t function without it. Right?

While it may seem terrifying, you need to go out into the world and socialise. Stop mopping around. Girls  treat yourself to a day spa. Dress up and go out into the world and begin to live again. If you like to dance – join a salsa dance class; if you like reading – join a book club or join the gym and enroll in the different workout classes that they offer.

This is the most opportune time for you to actually go out into the world and gain independence and create an identity that has been lost or forgotten. By you participating in activities you will find that you have become so occupied to actually stop and think about your ex and the less you think about them, the sooner you begin to heal and move on.

Remember the age old saying: time heals all things. This includes break ups. It is only when you have given yourself time and space to enjoy your life again; that you will begin to actually heal and move on. This will also increase your chances of possibly meeting someone new and better. By the time this happens, your ex will have become a distant memory.


  1. Great advice! Breakups suck and everything you suggested on how to get over them was spot on!

  2. how funny, i kind of wrote a post about this. well more like a look back of this on and off relationship I got out of. Like honestly I didn't try to find it more like I needed to do such as graduate from college, grow up, and i felt closure would find it's way. which I did which resulted in your nine steps.

  3. Hey Girls...yes I found this steps to be effective and if it can help anyone out there..then I am happy :-)

  4. 1, 2, 3, 4 passed it!!
    5. eeerrr... =/
    6. so haaaard..!! he's still that into me even I'm with the other beau now..
    7. done!
    8. done!

    But still can't get over him.. I love him too much I think.. lol

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  6. Brilliant and true! This ought to be required reading. :-)